Monthly Archives: February 2009

More Stimulus Gold

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I think I came across Jacob Grier after he did some guest blogging at The Agitator; I don’t recall specifically, and that’s not important; I read Jacob’s musings daily via my feed reader. He’s a bartender, barista, and freelance writer who has recently relocated from NoVA to Portland OR. Politically, I think he and I read from the same sheet.

And so it was that I read his stimulus post today. He has contacted his representatives with a proposal that makes as much sense as any of the other 1000+ pages in the Stimulus Spending Porkulus Raw Deal Bill that BHO will sign with much fanfare tomorrow. I quote the whole thing; the rest of the post concerns Hard Drinks for Hard Times, a timely item on its own.

Dear [Congressman],

It is my understanding that Congress has set aside $800 billion to help stimulate the economy and is looking for ways to spend it. There are many “shovel-ready” projects like bridges and hospitals competing to receive these funds. These are all great ideas — you can never have enough bridges and hospitals — but they take a long time to get going. I have my own project in mind and I’d like to propose spending some of the stimulus money on it.

I am a bartender and moved to Portland about four months ago, before the economy tanked completely. I’m only working one night a week. I have a lot of experience and creativity though and I’m confident that I could start up a really awesome bar. I have some great locations picked out and am ready to start anytime. The only obstacle is obtaining funding. Since banks are more interested in getting a return on investment than making sacrifices to stimulate the economy, I figure we should work together on this. There are several reasons why opening a bar would be excellent stimulus for the economy.

Bartenders have a big multiplier effect: For stimulus to be effective, we have to be sure that the money is re-injected into the economy and not socked away in savings. Nobody spends money like bartenders. If we work together to open a bar, you can be sure that my employees will spend 100% (or more) of their earnings. Most of that money will be given directly to other bartenders, or maybe strippers, who will also spend it right away, continuing the cycle. I’m confident that my staff would multiply spending far more than people in more responsible professions.

Production is fast: Spirits like whiskey can take years, even decades, to age. My bar will focus entirely on vodka and flavored vodka, which is ready to sell almost immediately after distillation. Our vodka purchases will encourage producers to increase production, buying grains from our nation’s farmers and equipment from our manufacturers. And we’ll be sure to only serve American vodkas, not those from Russia or, even worse, France. (I’m willing to make this a condition of receiving stimulus funds.)

We spill a lot: My bartenders will specialize in flair, juggling bottles in an amazing display of alcoholic dexterity. This requires hours of training and we’re sure to spill a lot vodka and shatter a lot of bottles while we’re practicing, forcing us to buy much more liquor than other bars. This will stimulate the economy even further.

We create positive externalities: Keynes argued that “animal spirits” are an important factor in macroeconomic behavior. By inebriating and entertaining our customers, we will excite their animal spirits and dull their judgment so that they are once again eager to invest. (Obviously my bar alone won’t save the economy, but similar bars could be opened throughout the country. Maybe we could franchise?)

We’ll name a drink after you: Everyone remembers great leaders like General Manhattan, Captain James Daiquiri, and Colonel Sazerac thanks to the cocktails that bear their names. In honor of your leadership during this economic crisis, I would gladly name a drink on our menu after you.

I realize this is an unorthodox proposal, but extreme times call for novel thinking. My bar is shovel-ready. As a sign of my commitment, I’ll even buy the shovel. I look forward to working with you to save the American economy.

Sincerely,

Jacob Grier

To the extent that this does not interfere with my previously requested NASCAR tickets for life and pony, I’m solidly behind this proposal.

-k-

Where’s my Sister?

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I like Matt Kenseth, this year’s Daytona 500 winner. I also respect NASCAR’s weather prognistication acumen, for calling the race when they did1. I thought it might get better; wishful thinking is just that.

Kevin Harvick was 2nd at the time; Mark Martin was back 16th, with the freshest tires of the lot of them. Matt was in the right place at the right time; race strategy is important. There’s no way to guarantee that every lap of every race will be run, and the last 20 or so laps were run under the threat of approaching rain. If Ifs and buts was candy and nuts, etc ..

Still, I’d give a hundred bucks to see how that last 48 laps would have worked out.

Hats off to Matt and the Roush Fenway bunch, on their first win in the Great American Race. The Cat in the Hat deserves one.

And they’ll be strong at Fontana next week, too. It never rains in Southern California. I think there was a song that proclaimed that. Blue skies next weekend, guys! Rock on!

I still wish I had a sister to kiss.

-k-

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1 My ass would have been back in the hotel when the first drop fell, had I been in those grandstands

Get Yer’ Stimulus Here

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From Reason Magazine: Your Official Stimulus Request Generator. Try it yourself; no one reads these bills anyhow. You may just cash in.

I tried it, and here’s what I got:

wireless and broadband deployment grant programs

(including transfer of funds to Ken Nelson for the Ken Nelson Personal Economic Stimulus Program)

For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $10,000 shall be paid directly to Ken Nelson in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by Ken Nelson to acquire a Pony or for whatever. Provided Even Further, That Ken Nelson will receive free NASCAR tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That Ken Nelson shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Nancy Pelosi is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.

Hot damn! Free NASCAR tickets for life. And a pony! I think I’ll head back to the well, and go for the motorhome to transport me to all these races I’ll be attending.

What a country! Thanks, America!

-k-

The Super Bowl of Stocks

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The 51st running of the Daytona 500 goes green in about an hour. Just a few observations:

  1. This is the first 500 ever without someone named Petty in the race. Sad, but as the King himself said yesterday, “All things come to an end.”
  2. 30 years ago today, was the first live flag-to-flag telecast of the 500, remembered for the Allison-Yarborough slugfest, on the track and in the infield post-race.
  3. I hope the rain holds off, so they can run the whole magilla today.
  4. With the hours of pre-race talk and hype, the Super Bowl of Stocks is an apt moniker.
  5. With all the off-season team mergers, sponsor changes, and such, I’m no longer a redneck1.
  6. I’m for Harvick, as always. Still, I’d wipe a few tears if Mark Martin or Bill Elliott were to find the way to victory lane today.
  7. I hope Goodyear has conquered the tire problems. I also hope to win the lottery. The latter is more probable.
  8. HotPass back on DirecTV for free. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I’d like that much better if Harvick or Tony Stewart were one of the featured drivers.
  9. Saw some advance pictures of the Chevy Camaro Pace Car. I couldn’t afford a Camaro back in the day, and for sure couldn’t afford the ’10 model. I’ve lived in cheaper houses. Still, the lines on that car give me the chills.
  10. Why is Keith Urban the featured performer?
  11. Why is Chris Meyers still on the FOX crew?
  12. And finally, it’s OK to drive below the yellow double line. It’s not OK to advance your position by so doing.

Boogity-boogity-boogity!

-k-

1 Defined as someone who can watch a NASCAR race and not need a program.

Bring Back the Tire Wars

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With no laps turned in a Sprint Cup points race this year, Goodyear tires have already distinguished themselves by rapidly blistering, unevenly wearing, and outright blowing out. I saw some of the tires after the Bud Shootout; thank heaven the steel belts held.

Today, Ryan Newman had a tire let go, which caused him to lose control, and teammate/owner Tony Stewart to get caught up in the ensuing melee. The end result was that they both are forced to backup cars, and will start at the back of the pack tomorrow afternoon. Goodyear has already pulled 8 right rear tires from several teams for further inspection. Tony Stewart, not known for being a wallflower, had this to say:

“It’s just a Goodyear right-rear tire,” Stewart said. “So it’s the same thing everybody has been talking about all week. It’s the same stuff that we always talk about every year — the failures that Goodyear has. I think that’s part of their marketing campaign. The more we talk about it, the more press they get. I think they forget that it’s supposed to be in a good way, not a bad way.”

OK, then. I recognize that unexpected failures can happen. I also remember last year’s Brickyard 400 travesty, brought to us by Goodyear, wherein teams pitted for tires every 20 laps or so. I also hate to see the races’ excitement diluted by less-than-par tires, and post-race conversations degenerating into bitchfests about tires.

In an organization and a sport where competition and performance is key, why not include the tire manufacturers? Hoosier? Firestone? Bridgestone? We still might be talking tires even then, but teams would have a choice as to which manufacturer’s product works best for them.

-k-

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Free HotPass on DirecTV

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I read during the winter of NASCARless Racing Discontent that DirecTV had cancelled their NASCAR HotPass service. HotPass is an innovative premium service enabling one to follow the race from inside the car of one of four selected drivers. A bird’s eye view of racing drama, if there ever was one.

As it turns out, Direct has cancelled their paid HotPass for the season. A revamped version, with “some features no longer available”, will be available for free for the ’09 NASCAR campaign. The details are available here.

Seems a little strange that a pioneering, if money losing service, would be replaced by a revamped free one. Not that I’m complaining; it could be that the laid-in infrastructure was already in place to support these telecasts, and DirecTV didn’t want to see it all wasted. I don’t know. But, if you want unique coverage of racing, whether or not you are a race fan, tune to DirecTV channels 795-798 for the running of the race tomorrow. If you don’t have DirecTV, take some beers, chips and dip to the house of a friend who does have DirecTV. It’ll be a treat.

Finally, here’s tomorrow’s lineup:

  1. Ch 795 – Kasey Kahne – car #9
  2. Ch 796 – Jimmie Johnson – car #48
  3. Ch 797 – Dale Earnhardt, Jr. – car #881
  4. Ch 798 – Carl Edwards – car #99

Enjoy!

-k-

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1 The June Bug Channel Lives!

CREATE Time Approaches

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This year’s CREATE South1 Conference takes place on Saturday, April 25, in beautiful Myrtle Beach SC. Last year was the premiere event for this conference, which I referred to then as the free conference for the rest of us. This year’s conference is also free; and from the conference website, this statement of its purpose:

It is a meeting for those interested in blogging, podcasting, video, social networking or any other form of self-expression. Serving the residents of the Grand Strand and beyond, it is a venue to bring together like minded people to network, to teach and to learn.

  • I didn’t make it to last year’s event. This may be the year to reverse that trend.
  • I like Myrtle Beach; April is a great time to visit there, given that tourist season won’t yet be in full swing.
  • April will be a good time for another Search for America Tour.
  • Heaven knows I can use all the creative help I can get.
  • If all the above aren’t reason enough, I could just eat my weight in chicken bog.

I’ll run this by MLB; maybe we can make it happen. In the meantime, I’ll fly the CREATE South logo for a couple of months over in the right sidebar someplace.

-k-

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1 Carolina Regional Exposition of Art, Creativity, and Education. An absolutely wonderful acronym.

Thanks, Congress

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Our feckless Congress is to blame: the Stimulus Spending Porkulus Bill has passed.

It’s incredibly tempting to blame BH Obama for this debacle. Probably, no Congress member has actually read the 1000+ page bill in the 12 or so hours since the Grand Compromise was reached. In their giddiness over their win, the reigning majority of the Legislative Branch have capitulated to the slobberfest surrounding BHO by passing an unread pork laden bill.

This is the same legislative majority, who somehow in spite of having won a couple of years ago, caved to every whim of the administration of a warmonger who became a reluctant socialist. And now, they cave to a socialist, who is, and will be proven to be, a reluctant warmonger.

The solution to this is clear; we need legislators to represent the people. And to make it clear to the Executive Branch, that the EB is to execute the laws duly passed, and nothing more.

I weep for the Republic.

-k-

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